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Impending doom……
Since I have been very little I have had anxiety and panic. The strangest things would cause huge feelings of doom and gloom about simple things like crossing the street or walking to the park. I saw monsters around every corner of the human variety or accidents. Panic has no rhyme or reason, it strikes out of nowhere and sometimes you have absolutely no idea why you are having an attack. You feel like you are not going to make it out alive, that the worst is coming and you are at your end. I have never been quite able to describe it to a person with out anxiety or panic. It’s sometimes an indescribable feeling.
Funny thing. When I should have had the worst feeling of impending doom, when I really was dying, I was calm as a cucumber. I developed HELLP syndrome with my last child. I walked around for days in pain, just assuming it was another one of my weirdo pains (this was before I knew I had fibromyalgia). Come to find out my liver and kidneys had been shut down for days. I walked around took care of my kids, my husband, the house when my body was slowly shutting down. Crazy. When I found out, I never panicked. They told me they had to take the baby, never panicked. I looked at my husband and said “she’s fine, she’s a feisty little thing”. I was right. She was 3.5 lbs at 31 weeks and was the biggest, loudest preemie in the NICU. When I had my c-section, something that scared me terribly, I never panicked. The nurse told me I was the first person she had even assisted in a c-section that didn’t throw up. My husband was astounded at how calm I was. It was so weird. To this day I have no idea how I did it or how I made it through. I’d like to think I had a bit of help from the other side.
Lesson in this? Panic is crazy.
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